Tuesday, April 26, 2022
Last Thursday morning, I woke up at 5:45 am and started getting ready for our pre-training meeting at 6:30 am. I checked my phone, brushed my teeth, and started to change out of my pj’s just like any other day. I went to my closet for a sweatshirt and as I was reaching for it on the top shelf, out of nowhere, I felt this intense pain at the back of my neck. It felt like someone had stabbed me.
Since I was young, I’ve heard older folks say, I threw my back out after doing some mundane movement. But I never quite understood what that phrase actually entailed until Thursday morning. I could barely turn my head. Movement in any direction hurt. I had effectively thrown my neck out.
2 months and 9 days away from my 26th birthday I officially felt old. I guess Father Time felt like a quarter of a century was enough time for youth. As I was ruminating on this feeling of being old, I got another reminder of my age. A few days later, Snapchat sent me a video: 4 Years Ago, Today. It was of me and a friend in the dorms during my senior spring at Stanford. I could hardly believe it had been nearly four years since I graduated college.
Four years is a significant amount of time. Some of life’s biggest periods are measured in years of four. Four years of high school. Four years of college. When there’s a definitive beginning and end of a period you’re prompted to reflect. The past few years, which have primarily been divorced from any sort of linear timeline, I haven’t consciously reflected on. (Well, until now that is.)
Since I graduated from Stanford in June of 2018, I’ve done some really cool things: I’ve gotten a Master’s, been paid to kick a ball around, traveled the world, lived in four different countries, and started a career in writing. I’ve also been deported from a country, waived from a team, misdiagnosed with a heart condition, and lived through a pandemic. With all the ups, downs, memories, and new experiences, there’s, of course, been so many life lessons.
A Few Things I’ve Learned Over the Past Four Years
007… Say What!
The reason why I’ve made it this far in football is because of my agency, my initiative. I’ve had to be the agent in my life– both figuratively and literally. I secured my first professional team on my own because I couldn’t find an agent to take me on as a client out of college. My second professional contract I signed with no help from my agent at the time. You can’t always rely on others; sometimes you gotta be your own James Bond.
Strength in Solitude
Doing things alone can be scary. Daunting, even. But the older I get the more comfortable I’ve gotten with doing things by myself. And it’s changed my life (for the better!). I know, as a young woman, safety is a concern, but as long as you’re alert, conscious of your surroundings, and smart the risk is minimal. This past weekend I took a solo trip to London and had an incredible time! Honestly, it’s empowering to not have to rely on others to live your best life.
Structure, structure, and more structure.
When I moved to Scotland during the height of the pandemic, there was a two-month period where we couldn’t train as a team, all non-essential shops were completely closed, and we weren’t allowed to travel outside of our municipality. In order for me to keep from going crazy, I had to structure my day. It was training on my own in the morning, LSAT prep for four hours in the afternoon, virtual team workout, dinner, facetime/read/watch a show, sleep, repeat. Even as the pandemic has subsided, as a pro athlete I still have loads of time on my hands. Adhering to a busy schedule is still something that keeps me sane.
Just Do It!
Folks, Nike is on to something. When I was in school I was the type of person who would constantly sacrifice fun for my studies or soccer. I was so concerned with the goal I was trying to achieve that I didn’t live life to the fullest. Yes, focus begets achievement. But I’ve learned that achieving my goals doesn’t always have to come at the expense of joy.
Pack Medium
As an avid traveler, I often hear the phrase, pack light. Every time I pack for a trip, whether it’s for the weekend or nine months, those words pop into my mind head. Until recently, I would take them to heart and pack the bare minimum. Do I really need this? If the answer was no, then the item wouldn’t go into my suitcase. I know space is a commodity and all, but on every trip I would wind up really missing things that– no, I didn’t need– but I wanted. At some point along the way, I said, F it. Instead of cramming my entire life into two suitcases before moving, I’ll take three. Instead of living out of a backpack for a weekend, I’ll add a carry-on. Packing, for me, is emblematic of a larger trend where I feel like I always have to be struggling or grinding or pushing myself to some limit. I’ve begun to realize it’s okay to find comfort in material things. It’s okay to splurge. It’s okay to lighten my load by, in fact, packing more.
Don’t Put All Your Eggs In One Basket
So many things I thought were going to happen, or was told were going to happen, or hoped were going to happen never came to fruition. This certainly was the case in soccer, but also in my personal life (with men especially). I’ve learned that I can’t put all my stock, my identity, my self-worth, and my happiness into one thing.
Grass Ain’t Always Greener
It seems like every time I scroll through my feed someone I know is engaged, married, having a baby, or purchasing a home. As someone who is very far from those big life milestones, it wears on me some days. I have to ask myself, is the pursuit of soccer worth delaying those things? Every time I answer yes, I have to find solace in the fact that I get to choose to pursue my passion every day. Not everyone has that luxury. It might sound hard for some of you to believe, but I’ve had to learn to appreciate my life.
