Tuesday, March 29, 2022
I had an epiphany the other day. I was lying in bed thinking about a book I had recently finished, Open by Andre Agassi. Y’all, this book is amazing BTW. It’s an autobiography about tennis star, Andre Agassi. Over the course of the book, Agassi does an incredible job of taking the reader through his journey of self-discovery. For a significant part of his life, Agassi didn’t know who he was, and eventually, he discovers that helping others gives him purpose.
So, while I was lying in bed reflecting, I began asking myself questions. What gives me purpose? What makes me happy? Who am I really? I started to take stock of what I enjoy doing, defining moments in my life, trends in my behavior. I even made a list.
What brings me satisfaction:
Finding the exact word to communicate a thought
Recalling something that escaped my memory for a moment
Articulating something complex
Executing a joke
Finding the right words to describe what I admire about someone
A clean room
Going to bed with my to-do list complete
Going to bed with peace
What I came to realize is that I love expressing myself. When I thought about the things that I revel in– playing soccer, jamming out on the drums, writing– I noticed that they are all forms of self-expression. Soccer, not only allows me to express the competitive, fiery, and intense side of my personality, but it also enables me to be creative and free, and spontaneous. On the pitch, there’s no script.
The same goes for drumming. I decided to learn the drums when I moved to Copenhagen last August, and jamming with my instructor for two hours on a Sunday is usually the highlight of my week. Nothing beats it (couldn’t resist the pun, haha). Contrary to being a concert violinist, where for eight years I had to play the notes that were on the sheet exactly how they were on the sheet when I drum it’s all improvisation. There’s something extraordinarily beautiful and exhilarating about being with another musician, connecting, and bringing music into existence together.
Then there’s writing. For me, there’s something distinctly gratifying about finding the exact words to communicate a thought or feeling. As opposed to when I’m speaking, the writing process allows me to get it right. There’s time to fashion words and construct sentences exactly how I want them. There’s less room for misunderstanding. For misinterpreting. And one thing that keeps me up at night is walking away from a conversation feeling as though I wasn’t able to fully articulate myself.
I’m not sure what I enjoy more, conveying complex thoughts or sincere ones. Each is challenging to articulate for its own reason. Complex thoughts are well, complex. Sincere thoughts I might have the words for, but not necessarily the gumption required for use. I think so many kind thoughts that go unsaid for fear of sounding weird. It’s crazy if you think about it, that the fear of seeming strange prevents me from making someone feel valued.
But you know what? The fear stops now. Today, March 29, 2022, I am refusing to let the fear of sounding weird stop me from voicing my appreciation for people that come into my life. I know I won’t be able to share my appreciation for every person, but why not start with a random sample?
To all the M’s that I’ve exchanged texts with in the past year, here is a note for each of you:
Mom, you inspire me so much. Every day you change people’s lives. You lead with compassion and work tirelessly to help those who society has turned their back on. Speaking of backs… I know you’ll always have mine. I can’t thank you enough for your unconditional love and support.
Megan, one of my longest friends, thank you for all the laughs, memories, facetimes, cheers, sleepovers, soccer games. You’ve really been there through it all. You are such a loyal friend and I couldn’t imagine my life without you.
Miles, I appreciate you. I appreciate our friendship. I appreciate how you’ve maintained our friendship. Whenever your name pops up on my phone I smile. I really admire your openness and vulnerability.
May, RT, I really do cherish you and our relationship. Over the years you’ve been so supportive of me and my aspirations– it means so much. I truly enjoy every second of our interactions, every text, every call. There’s no one else I would rather stay up all night debating than you.
Mar, I love you, bro. Not many people can say their sibling is their best friend, but you truly are mine. The courage you have to be your full self and the ability you have to connect with people is inspiring. You are a light for so many, including me.
Ry’s Max, yoooo, I have to say you and Mike are, hands down, the best podcast hosts I have encountered. You are so engaging and funny and sincere. I laughed so hard during our episode and genuinely felt the love. We met (what once?) but I feel like you’re family.
Madison “Mad Dog” Haley, you deserve all the flowers. You’re such a baller and an amazing human. From the first time I met you, you have always stayed true to who you are– unapologetically– and I respect that so much.
Hamm, I’m so fortunate to have been teammates with you (twice!). You have so much compassion for others and such a big heart. I know you will continue to leave this world better than you found it.
Matt Garrity, I’m so glad you were on my team! You were such a huge asset to our group and fun to be around. Thank you for the kind notes since Wake, too, I’ve really appreciated them!
Malia, I admire what you’re doing with football so much! You’re a trailblazer and a badass and my hat’s off to you for coming into a space where there aren’t many women and building something extraordinary– and on top of it– opening the door for more women after you. Kudos to you!
Maya Burke, one of my first friends at Stanford, you have such a beautiful soul. Your heart, your creativity, your way with words, your way with music is so incredible. Your presence in my life at school brought me so much joy and perspective. You made me a better person. Happy early birthday, fam.
Maya Delaney, I am so glad I was able to get to know you over the years at Stanford. You are an unbelievable human– beautiful, smart, talented, kind. I appreciate you and all that you bring to this world.
Maya Pete, you are one person I wish I spent more time with at school because I feel like we could have been besties. Even from afar, your energy is infectious. You give me courage and inspiration without even knowing it.
Maya Russell, I commend your focus and drive. I see so much of myself in you. I hope you know and believe that you can do anything you put your mind to. The world is yours.
Mo Andrews, though I was only teammates with you for a minute, I enjoyed it entirely! I swear every practice you would do some crazy skill or crack a finish that would amaze me. More importantly, off the field were always welcoming and friendly, it really meant a lot.
Mat, I have so much respect for how you are trying to live your life and I truly enjoyed all of our conversations. Be kind to yourself because you deserve it.
