Tuesday, February 15, 2022
I’ve had a Valentine two years out of my twenty-five. This year is not one of them. Thus, like most years, I am single this Valentine’s Day.
Why is that, you ask.
Well, I am a Black woman.
Black women are the least desirable romantic partners in heterosexual relationships. This may come as a shock to you, but the data doesn’t lie (click the link if you don’t believe me). This sentiment can be exemplified by the saying, “You’re pretty for a Black girl,” which is code for: I’m usually not attracted to Black women, but I like you.
The Black Jezebel, The Welfare Queen, The Angry Black Woman, and the host of other stereotypes that have maimed Black women since slavery are still felt today. While I may be tokenized as the exception to one man’s otherwise disdain for Black women, that doesn’t mean society is any less racist, or that I have a plethora of male choices when it comes to dating.
Let’s say I want to date a Black man. Data shows that Black men swipe on Black women at roughly the same rate as they do for other races. Surely, this means I have choices, right?
Not quite. What’s choice if there are barely any options? The pool of desirable Black men in America is scarcely low. To begin with, Black people only make up about 12% of the population, so I’m already looking at a maximum of 6% of people I encounter. Then, with a criminal justice system that hyper-incarcerates Black men, that number dwindles down to 4%, because nearly 1 in 3 Black men are incarcerated during their lifetime.
We also haven’t talked about education or income, which tend to factor into women’s decisions about selecting a partner. Women in general graduate college at a higher rate than men. The educational attainment gap widens even further when race is factored in. In 2016, the shares of degrees conferred by white women were 56%, compared to 64% for Black women. Furthermore, only about 19% of Black men hold a Bachelor’s degree. So, if I were looking for someone to match my level of education, only 7% of Black men hold a master’s degree or higher.
Income is skewed as well. On average, Black men earn less than men of other races even when they are doing the same job, at the same place, with the same amount of experience. On top of that, the wage gap widens even more as Black men move up the corporate ladder.
Listen to Mariah on the Shea Butter FC Podcast
At this point, I’ve lost track of the math, but something tells me my odds of finding my Barack Obama are pretty slim, and we haven’t even taken into account proximity, personality, compatibility, or even if these men are interested in dating Black women. Remember the saying I mentioned earlier? Well, I’ve been told, “You’re pretty for a Black girl,” by more Black men than white.
What about dating outside of your race?
There’s a great book that discusses the dating conundrum Black women face titled, Is Marriage For White People, and the author’s solution is exactly this– for Black women to branch out.
But what this solution doesn’t address is that it’s tough. Dating men outside of my race is difficult. White men, especially, are less likely to be aware of racial oppression in general, and less likely to understand how racism affects my lived experience, which in turn diminishes their ability to offer support and empathy. Also, it’s less probable that Non-Black men will value and embrace my culture, as well as know how to father Black children.
Regardless of the man’s shade, I am still far away. Turns out, proximity is one of the most important factors when it comes to relationship formation. Whether I’m looking to date Black men, white men, or everything in between, living in Europe isn’t conducive to finding an American mate.
What about European men?
Anti-Blackness is everywhere. So is exotification, fetishization, and hypersexualization. For those of you who find those words meaningless, here’s an example: I match with a guy on a dating app and one of the first things he messages me is, “I’ve never had sex with a Black woman before.” At that moment, I am no longer being seen as a person but as a vehicle for some man to fulfill his sexual fantasy by adhering to the stereotypes – that paint Black women as promiscuous – that are running through his head.
In other words, men are trash everywhere. And before you pop off on me, yes, I know there are good men out there. That is why, despite all of the facts I have presented, I am still optimistic about finding love. Who knows, maybe this time next year I’ll be getting fed chocolates instead of writing in a room by myself.
Xoxo,
Mariah
